It still looks very "Poserly"
it looks like you used the dodge and burn tool... don't do that... the burn tool adds saturation as it darkens. in real life colors are desaturated as they fade from a light source.
the other problem is that when you tried to lighten the picture, you didn't take note of the light source, you just lightened different areas.
oh, and the skin is way too pink... I can see the fire reflection in it's eye, so the light would be a little more in the orange/yellow range.
here is what I would do.
I hope you don't mind me drawing over your art.
it is such a good start that I would like to see you get it right... and you did ask for C&C
here is what I did...about 5 mins
I added a "Rembrandt light" to the cheek closest to the camera(select area, then feather selection, then use levels or curves to bring out the highlight). added a catch light to the eyes. desaturated everything but the fire in the eye, and then ran a gradient map over the image to warm it back up. then I added a slight blur and some film grain(lens blur).
I did it really quick, and it still needs a good bit of finishing but you get the idea.
For lighting faces and people, Google "Chiaroscuro" and "Rembrandt Lighting" that may help you in your setups.